Only 10 weeks in to this pregnancy and I want everyone to shut the hell up!! I am happy that you have children of your own, really I am. But I really don't give a shit about what you think I should or should not do while pregnant!! Unless I have given you my insurance card and there is a Dr. in front of your name, and you are a specialist in Obstetrics, SHUT UP!!
In fact, that's a great idea, I'll just wheel around a bed with stirrups and anytime anyone wants to offer their enlightening advice I'm just going to hop up on said bed and then say, "thanks doc, I'm ready for my exam now."
And what's also helpful in this great pool of opinions is that I don't look 10 weeks pregnant, I look about 4 months pregnant. This then brings on this conversation.
Opinionated Turd: "How far along are you?"
Me: "10 weeks."
Turd: "Oh...10 weeks, really? ...um, are you having twins?"
Me: "No, (sarcastic I hate you fake laugh)
Turd: "Are you sure?"
Me: (painfully sarcastic laugh through gritted teeth) Yes, just have some insane bloating and digestive trouble.
Yup, that's how it goes. How do I picture it in my head though... glad you asked!
Turd: "I'm a mindless asshole that is going to drop verbal diarrhea on you about your pregnancy. I will start by asking how far along are you?"
Me: "10 weeks, and I can't wait to hear what stupid shit you have to say now!"
Turd: "Damn you are huge!! You sure there isn't more than one in there? Are you having a litter?"
Me: "No, jackass."
Turd: "I'm going to ask if you are sure, because I think I need to repeat myself to make sure you aren't a liar."
Me: "Yup, that's what I do, lie to a nobody like yourself about how far along I am. And since you are totally invested in my life, I'll let you in on another secret. I CAN'T SHIT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN ANYMORE!! IT'S 4 TO 5 DAYS BETWEEN POOS, WHEN I DO GO, IT'S A PREVIEW OF GIVING BIRTH BECAUSE AFTER I'VE DROPPED THE CONSTIPATION BOMB, I LOSE 5 TO 6 POUNDS AND GO BACK TO LOOKING NOT SO PREGNANT!!!!!"
Turd: "Oh, well, I don't have kids, I really don't know."
Me: ....stab, stab, stab
I have been doing a lot of daydream stabbing lately! And again, only 10 weeks in folks!
I will share something that is really awesome though, me and Jay went to the doctor the other day. I wasn't far enough along yet to hear the heartbeat, but we got to see it. It was pretty damn cool. To be honest I don't know what was better, watching the heartbeat, or watching Jay watch the heartbeat, love him!!
I go back to the doctor on January 2. Can't wait to hear the heartbeat, and to pee in a cup again!
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