the following blog is rated R....

The title of this should be taken seriously, anyone under 18 should be accompanied by an adult while reading this. The R rating has been given because of strong language, gratuitous sexual comments, drug reference, and brief nudity. Okay, the last one is bullshit, but...you have been properly warned!!!
So, I have recently moved in to a new apartment. This building is by no means new. I was attracted to it for a lot of the "oldness" if you will. Great woodwork, old doors that still have the skeleton keys, my 80-year-old Ukrainian land-lady named Olga. The previous couple that lived here were very nice, I only met the girl, but she said if she weren't moving out of state she would stay in the apartment. She was a very shy girl, wholesome looking if know what I mean. Not ugly, just quiet, kinda nerdy, homebody.
So the moving in begins... you know how it is when you get a new place, you open all the cabinets, closets, drawers. See what your working with, what kind of space and storage you got going on, and start planning where to put everything. I have a lot of kitchen storage in this place, good thing, cause I am a slave to kitchen gadgets! So, I pop open a drawer to put my silverware in, and HELLO porn stashed away in there!!! Yup kids, there was a porn in my kitchen drawer, the place where my silverware will sleep has been tainted by "Naughty and Next Door". An "Adam & Eve" production starring Abbey Rode! And judging by this cover Mrs. Abbey "rode" a lot in this, literally! So after discovering this little gem of previous tenant leftovers I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard! So then it was a mission, what the hell else did Sandra Dee leave behind. Well, that's Sandra Dee to the unknowing judging-you-based-on-looks first impression that I got from her. To my disappointment, that was it. The porn stood alone...or did it.
So, I took a drawer out of the built in wall dresser that's in the master bedroom. The side of it needed to be tacked on a little better. My handyman Mr. Handsome was here, he removed the drawer completely and on doing so I hear "What the hell?..." Yes, ladies and gentlemen, another tenant leftover had been discovered, a small pill box, which did have a few lingering pills in it. And a signed William Shatner biography, signed by Bill Shatner himself. Again, I'm laughing hard, but also picturing it all in my head. Was this normal Sandra Dee actually bat-shit-crazy-town?? Did she secretly love Billy Shatner so much that she fantasized about him and her starring in "Naughty and Next Door 2: Stardate 69"? And was she so taken over by this fantasy that only medication could help and she had to hide that shame too in a pill box under a dresser drawer? This lead me and Mr. Handsome to re-trace the area, scour the apartment again for anymore trinkets of tenants past. But, nothing, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that day would only be one Billy Shatner...or would it?
Typical day in the new abode, just showered, doing some hair drying in the bathroom. I was preforming the old flip the head over and dry the under part of the hair. When done, flipped head back to up-right position and looked up, and something on top of the light fixture above the medicine cabinet caught my eye. Because what I was looking at, also had eyes. I could make out the head of what looked to be some wood carved figurine.  I climbed on top of the toilet to retrieve this little guy. But how did i know it was a guy you ask? Well, from the ENORMOUS penis that was also carved onto to my newly found tri-podded friend. Two inches tall he stands and 1-inch of that is penis! Apparently, after showing many people pictures of this. Cause you know I showed everybody I could. (fyi, if you would like a picture of this to quench your curiosity, text me, I'll get it to you post haste!) This little guy, well...little in height, but not little in the wiener department, is a fertility god figurine.
Okay, let's recap here....porn, pills, signed book from The Shatner, and fertility god. What the hell was going on here? Some love makin', pill takin', porn watchin', hopeful baby makin'???
It's too funny, I can't make this shit up people! And I'm not gonna lie...I hope to find more, it's like a game now to me. Unlocking the secrets of tenants past.
I leave you with one final thing. Upon asking Sandra Dee about the neighbors above, and across from us..."are they loud?...nice?...etc. Sandra answers "Honestly I have never seen the people above here, but I have met the people across the hall and they are great. No one is loud." Thank you Sandra, you have been helpful. But, now that we have assessed that Sandra is not normal from our little findings, I have found that she must be deaf! My upstairs neighbors must not have jobs, or they themselves are in the porno biz and making movies above my bedroom!! They have the squeaky bed, that is on the squeaky floor, and let me tell you, this is no sweet love makin' my friends, this is some serious humpin' going on!!! Wait a second....Naughty and Next Door?!?! Holy shit, my neighbor is Abbey Rode isn't it?! Wonder if she will sign my porn? Then I can display it next to Billy, on my mantle...next to my fertility god.